Everyone experiences traumatic, life-altering events. The sudden loss of a loved one, the unexpected layoff from work, the unthinkable announcement that your life-partner has found someone else and is leaving you. These are powerful events that tend to pull us out of the spin of our normal daily existence, causing use to reel, to flounder, to panic, almost as though we were drowning. These are shattering events that plunge us into deep depression, cause us to question the purpose of life, bring on uncontrollable crying spells, and evoke panic attacks. These tend to be the lowest points of human existence. Fortunately, for most people, these events are rare, occurring only a few times in life, with an opportunity to recover between them. Recovery time is critical, because people need a sense of stability in their lives, a basic belief that tomorrow will be quite similar to today, the certainty that things will get better. People who teeter on a perpetual precipice of disaster struggle to hold on to reality, find little reason to hope, and worse of all, give up on caring. Sometimes, as a registered sex offender, I feel like I’m teetering on the precipice of disaster way too often. The most significant event happened a couple years ago, when on the eve of completing my 10-year registration period the state invoked a retroactive law to change my status to “predator” and put me on the registry for life. This was one of those events I wasn’t sure I’d recover from. Perhaps I haven’t completely. If I allow myself to think about, I will feel the wave of depression start to roll over me. But it’s not the tragic events that make life so difficult for me. No, the truly disastrous events are still actually relatively rare. It is, however, the potential disaster lurking around the corner that keeps me in a constant state of worry, that keeps me on the brink of panic. The fear that someone at work will find out and cause me to lose my job. The thought that people in my neighborhood might discover me on the internet and force me to move. The knowledge that forgetting any of the many, many rules of registration could cause me to violate, sending me back to prison. These are the threats that never really leave my mind.
Are the potential disasters real? I have found from talking with many, many registered sex offenders that the imagined threats are generally far greater than what they actually experience. And yet, all it takes is for one of these to come true, and my life will be, once again, shattered, crumbling around my feet, leaving me in a dust of despair. To me, it’s like standing too close to the edge of a cliff. Sure, chances are slim that you will fall. But the consequences if you do are so dire that most people will avoid the cliff at all costs. Every year, lawmakers in Illinois get together to do what lawmakers do best: make laws. And every year, they set their aim on registered sex offenders as they ponder what new laws to make. And every year, I find myself once again standing at the precipice of disaster, waiting to see what new law they might pass that will upend my life, that will complicate my existence, that will once again heap additional punishment on me for my past transgressions. Since legislative session runs from January to May, it seems I only get about six or seven months at most to try to recover from this trauma each year. This year is no different. I, like all RSOs in Illinois, find myself staring down the barrel of several bills that, if they become law, would radically alter my life. One bill would cost me my job, since I work for a university and some lawmaker is trying to make that illegal. Another would require me to register four times per year, instead of just one. (This, of course, comes with the knowledge that forgetting just once, missing the deadline by a single day, would constitute a violation that could mean imprisonment.) Even the bills that amount to little more than a nuisance are nonetheless reminders that at any moment, in any year, lawmakers can pass a law that retroactively and negatively impacts my life. To me, this is the epitome of insecurity, the quintessential “edge of the cliff” analogy. So what do I do? How do I go on? How do I hold on to some semblance of normality, of reality, of stability? Some of my friends tell me to stop worrying so much, that the chances are too slim that any of this will happen for me to be so worried. I appreciate their support, but I can’t help but think that they just don’t get it, that they don’t live it so it is not “real” to them. Others are empathetic, commiserating with a heartfelt, “That sucks.” While there is nothing they can do, I do appreciate their thoughts. I talk to others who, like me, suffer the consequences of the registry. There is a real sense of solidarity in sharing with each other, though in the end, we do a lot of “preaching to the choir,” telling each other what the other already knows. There is, without question, something to be gained from knowing that I am not alone in my struggles. In the end, though, the one thing that keeps me going is heeding the advice of the therapist I see occasionally. When I was in the depths of despair, floundering to find meaning in my life, struggling for a reason to go on, he guided me toward my own value system, encouraging me to look deep within myself, to define myself based on who I am today, not based on what I did in my past. Clearly, the two are connected, but they are not synonymous. This level of inward circumspection is not easy. It takes work. It takes effort. It takes time. But here is what I know today. I have done bad things in my past. My definition of “bad” is not based on some label. Yes, it’s “bad” to be a registered sex offender. It’s “bad” to be a convicted felon. It’s “bad” to be a criminal. But for me, what makes my past behavior bad is that I hurt other people, people who did not deserve to be hurt, people who I should have protected and cared for instead of hurting. It’s important that I define what I mean by “bad” because this is what defines my current value system, what determines what is important to me now and for my future. Of course, I don’t want to be a registered sex offender, but this is a pragmatic issue and not a values issue. And I don’t want to be a criminal, though I do tend to drive a little over the speed limit and I occasionally talk on my cell phone without using the hands-free system. But the most important goal in my value system is that I don’t want to hurt people anymore. Obviously, I don’t ever want to sexually offend anyone ever again. But it’s more than that. I don’t want to hurt people in any way if I can avoid it. I work very hard to avoid victimizing people, and that includes verbal victimization, objectifying, or stepping over people to get ahead. These are my values. And this is how I go about deciding that I am not a bad person. I am a good person who did bad things. Politicians can label me as recalcitrant, as a reprobate, as a pervert. People can shun me because I’m on the registry. People can hate me because of what I’ve done. Does it hurt? Of course it does. Does it complicate my life? Without a doubt. But does it define who I am? Only if I let it. And I fight constantly against letting external forces define who I know I am today. My inward reflection does not solve all my problems. It does not alleviate every fear, every anxiety. It doesn’t even prevent my occasional bought of depression. But when I need it most, it does give me meaning, purpose, and a reason to go on. Today, that is what I need most.
29 Comments
Jennie henzel
3/1/2015 02:46:27 am
This is lovely - the good in me sees the good in you. Namaste.
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Ray S
3/1/2015 02:48:29 am
I can totally relate..we should start some support groups. We need to stand together on this unfair unconstitutional act. There's strength in numbers.
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Michael Johnson
3/1/2015 02:50:14 am
Enjoyed your article on the "Perpetual Precipice"...I am sure it reflects the opinions and thoughts of many RSO's in Illinois and around the country. I sometimes wonder about the constitutionality of the continuous punishment system with which we must contend especially those of us who are not a danger to children. My best to you and I wish you much success in the future.
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Your article hit home with me, I am RSO, and I feel the exact same way you do. Some of the laws are just insane, I work in different towns, and if that law gets passed I will end up registering every day, that's nuts. We do need support groups, I'm tried of living scared as well, there are alot of RSOs living by the rules of the tegistry and not hurting anyone nor wanting too. What the politicians don't get is, people do learn from their mistakes.
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sally
3/2/2015 06:47:09 am
Donna. You work in several towns? See? Already you do more to contribute to society than the everyday citizen probably can comprehend! Is the stereotypical RSO someone who cares and does what every other person tries to do? To hold down a job (s)? I couldn't agree more--to have to register in each town is a ludicrous notion. Could be that Legislators do not want RSOs to succeed or perhaps they have no idea what the everyday life of an RSO entails! In case of the latter, then, the reality of having a job in several towns where registration also must occur, let us consider what has to happen for them to understand. Well there could be a Shadow an RSO for a Day program like there is a Bring Your Child To Work Day. Fat Chance! So what else? The Legislators have to be made aware of this and other hardships! RSOs and/or their family & friends must write/email their Legislators! Information is power; others are invited to respond with their ways of informing the public and Legislators!
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Yes, I work in alot of towns. The working RSOs are also paying taxes and contributing back to society. The b legislators need to use common sense with these laws, why make life much much harder for the families and for the RSOs. Making or in other words taking more rights away is not solving the problem, it's creating problems and setting RSOs up for failure. Just doesn't make sense. The states know the RSOs that have paid their dues and have not caused any problems, so why make them register over and over. That's nuts
Jon Counce
3/1/2015 05:27:37 am
Glad you sent us Illinois Voices supporters a link to this website. Your words are encouraging, and I hope you keep up the good work. I get down about about the laws that might pass, too. Like the working at a university one?? Crazyness. I'm a master's psych student, and like 90% of the jobs I could have are probably at universities. Ughhhh. But I just take things one day at a time. And hey, I guess there's always moving out of Illinois, right?
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sally
3/2/2015 05:27:04 am
Regarding your comment about moving out of Illinois:
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Kris
3/1/2015 05:28:04 am
I Feel the same. I have three small children and I wak up and go to bed each night only fearing the day they get made fun of or lose friends because of the images I viewed online 10 years ago. I wish we could at least have a single chance to go in front of a board and state a case for removal from the registry or. Strike some sort of deal. Murderers get a chance at parole but I'll be on this prison of a registry for life because I viewed some images.
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Jon Counce
3/1/2015 05:28:47 am
I tried to click on the RS feed button, but it didn't work. Wonder if works for anyone else...
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DJ
3/1/2015 02:08:41 pm
No doesn't work for me either. Seems to be a coding error.
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GeraDessiel Simon
3/1/2015 06:15:51 am
Mercy,Grace,Blood-Blessing be your dail experience more than anything else by The Living JESUS Holy GhostSpirit!
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W. frisbie
3/1/2015 08:12:39 am
I really liked what you had to say. It speaks to the very heart of the situation I find myself in as well. I have bipolar dis. Bla blab bla.( I know, cry me a river) Anyway, my point is that the continuous worry regardless of how hard you try to maintain is so taxing. I am emotional exhausted all the time. The cliff is a great analogy. That is enough rambling about me. I leave with my stated gratitude for you efforts and support on our behalf. (Were their but more of you. :-)
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3/1/2015 01:11:06 pm
Thank you Will for putting into words how I feel and also many others.
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DJ
3/1/2015 02:20:02 pm
I WAS a RSO in IL and by the grace of God I am no longer on the Registry. It is a rough life; a terrible label; but one has to have balance and have someone to talk to that is sympathetic and understands the struggle and injustice. But you have to not be consumed by this commendable work and have balance.
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Carol Nesteikis
3/2/2015 12:11:02 am
Were you able to get off the registry? I am looking for an attorney to fight for my mentally retarded son who was put on the registry for ten years on a misdemeanor charge. My son does not even understand what an RSO is. He cannot even function on his own. I need to get him off so we can resume our lives.
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Carol Nesteikis
3/2/2015 12:05:40 am
This is a perfectly worded piece that describes my life as a mother of a mentally retarded young man who was exposed to something by someone else and is now being punished. He does not even understand what a RSO is. He cannot function in life without me or his father. He was forced to leave our home and he and my husband live elsewhere. So even though I did nothing, I live the life of an RSO because my son is not able to understand all the rules he needs to follow and we need to be the ones to take him to register and keep him safe. My son is the perfect example of how unjust the laws are. That a young person with special needs who's life was special recreation activities and Special l Olympics, who cannot function in life on his own, who will never date or marry, who has no concept of what has happened to him. The fact that he is being punished for an act he was shown and had no concept of it being wrong is an atrocity. If there is anyone reading ithis who is going through this same kind of nightmare I would love to hear from you. My goal is to keep fighting for my son because if I give up I am done.
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Keep fighting. Maybe talk to a State Rep, and bring all the documents from the therapists and doctors on your sons behalf.
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Carol
3/2/2015 07:32:15 am
Thanks. I have told my story over and over again. Friends, neighbors and family have all written letters. The National Center for Criminal Justiice and Disability in Washinton DC is telling my sons story and they are also taking the story to the Presdients Task Force on Criminal Injustices. I will not give up. My faith in Jesus is strong. I am thankful for Illinois Voices for their work and support.
Michael
3/2/2015 12:28:39 am
To say I truly understand what you are going though is an understatement. I have the same concerns and these issue bring about depression from worry to anger. I frequently don't know how I get though each day. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
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Anilda Rocuant
3/2/2015 12:38:01 am
It brought me to tears to see how life is to you and all the RSOs everywhere. It hurts more because like you said, it's a constant battle against RSOs. I feel for all and I am so afraid for what awaits my dear son.
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Carol Nesteikis
3/2/2015 02:23:49 am
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Andres
3/2/2015 04:32:58 am
Will certainly wrote how I feel from time to time. I been labeled a RSO for about 8 years now but its for a lifetime. Last month at my yearly registration I was told my address was no longer good because a daycare opened up on the next block over. Was given a 30 day notice to move, I felt my world came crashing down. The hardest was telling my wife, she right away broke in tears. It was awful, me and my wife have great credit and decent paying jobs but no one would rent us an apartment after the background check. It was bad enough trying to find somewhere thats not near parks, schools etc. Then trying to find somewhere that will approve you. I ended up finding a place in a pretty dangerous neighborhood, its not the best but at least me and my wife don't have to live at different places. And thanks god I don't have kids. As soon as my wife finishes school were planning on moving far away out in the corn fields, its like thats what lawmakers want, they want you to live away from civilization.
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Dan
3/2/2015 12:08:08 pm
It's not right that you had to move. You were there first; the daycare should not have been allowed to open.
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Andres
3/2/2015 11:54:57 pm
It would of been nice if thats the way it worked but it doesn't. People who are not RSO don't understand how the law even helps. My landlord was aware of my situation and the police would always knock on his door all the time when they come for checks. When I told him that I needed to move and the reason why he just didn't get it.
merlin williams
3/4/2015 05:04:47 am
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